The job of desk sitting is so boring the entire job description is encapsulated in the two-word title. The fact that I am even taking the time to describe it is like labling sleeping as an extreme sport. Babysitting an inanimate object is as exciting as it sounds, with the absence of my computer it would be akin to torture. Such statements don’t even fall under the category of exaggerations, boredom induced suicide attempts have been sweeping desk sitters in University Campuses across the nation. While I’m clearly not claiming one can have a load of fun during these periods of imprisonment I will admit that it opens up one’s opportunity to explore creative entertainment via the Internet.
User reviews and comments on websites travel, city, fashion and gossip websites have become my new poetry. People can get seriously creative with these, much to my amusement. It has proved to be a most glorious of desk sitting hobbies and I thank those faceless Yelp users for providing me with the latest batch of linked literature…
Here is what I consider the “Best of”… and categorized to meticulous and scientific degree…
(Store in question is the thrift store Urban Renewals in Allston, MA)
File Under: Second Hand Egos.
- “I am pretty much the Queen of Thrift in my hometown (Houston, TX), so I feel like I have a huge bank of various thrift store to compare Urban Renewals to.”
-“Everyone who knows me knows I love thrift stores, records, being thrifty. I am Scottish after all.”
-“Too many hipsters writing reviews, not enough serious thrifters.”
File Under: Sensory Explorations
-“I have a lot of qualms about U.R as much as favor.
-I found a centipede while rummaging through records
-It smells bad often”
-“Expecting an awful rushed squack, instead, over the loudspeaker comes "Our specials today are (a laundry list of items)" announced by a man with the most soothing, lovely, accented, almost resigned voice."
File Under: Masochistic Purchases.
-“ROSIE O'DONNELL DOLL?!
I seriously almost bought this for...whatever reason. It repulsed me and seemed like a good enough gift for a friend to destroy.”
-“bought the UGLIEST winter coat. Seriously, it looks like a shag carpet but it was so cheap (5 bucks) and is warm. I can manage looking like a complete fool.”
File Under: Novella
“THIS REVIEW IS FOR 3.5 STARS:
(what follows is seriously 4 full paragraphs)
So you're probably still wondering why it's a half star and not a whole star, well it's 'cause they're not bad and kind of fall into the mediocre territory meaning 3 stars, but they get an extra half star for being so damn organized, having such great prices, and having some of those new stuff with tags still on it.”
We actually weren’t wondering but thanks for the grading system explaination…
File Under: T.M.I.
“Officially my happy place.
It's a great place to go after eating or before eating.
No bathroom however.. had to run over to Hess. I asked a worker if there was a bathroom and she simple said "huhhhuhhblehbleh". Seriously she mubbled something no human can hear or interpret.
So I thanked her and off I went to Hess.
Shopping there is super fun.”
File Under: In need of post retail therapy
“Please, tell me if I missed something, otherwise gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon and label me permanently blind. I wouldn't trust my dog to find a good place to take a crap here, he'd be too confused on where to start.”
File Under: Thrifting OD
“You can find me in Urban Renewals almost every single day, checking the newest items.”
There exists this whole subculture of people who rate and review these places with astonishing fervor. On Yelp (and I’m sure other sites as well) the reviews are…reviewed. Not only are they reviewed but it’s on a superlative level (I found this funny/informative/expressive/etc.) Needless to say I think I’ll be going to Urban Renewals somtime during spring break…if I happen to find a centipede among my loot so be it; I’m sure a soothing announcer will ease my anxiety.